Mindfulness and the helping profession
By Doug Silsbee

Most people in a helping profession find that balancing their needs with those of the client or patient is like walking a tight rope — it’s a fine balancing act that requires mindfulness and precision.

Today, it is more culturally acceptable for people to seek help. Whether they have a physical injury, emotional trauma, or are struggling with a major life change, people are seeking the help of healers, therapists, counselors, clergy, yoga instructors, and healthcare practitioners.

At the same time, helping professionals are learning that in order to truly serve their clients and patients, they must first possess a high level of awareness of their own emotional needs and patterns. Their mindset truly affects the relationship with their clients — for better or for worse.

Helping professionals are, of course, only human, and therefore experience the same conflicting interests and needs as any other person. However, they are also given a huge responsibility — to look out for the client’s interests ahead of their own.

To earn the trust of their patients, helping professionals must be able to either address their needs outside the relationship or suspend them for the sake of it.

Consider this example: John hurt his back and went to see Ruth, a chiropractor a friend recommended. After the first treatment, John was quite pleased. He experienced immediate pain relief.

When Ruth told John to come in once a week for six weeks for follow-up treatments, John was reluctant. While it was obvious that the treatment had helped him, he couldn’t clearly understand why the additional six treatments were necessary. John thought he was “cured” after the first treatment and wondered if Ruth was looking out for his interests, or her own.

Where was the line between John’s healing needs and Ruth’s business needs? Was the decision to continue treatments supposed to be mutual, or was John simply supposed to trust that Ruth would consider his healing process above all else?

ATTACHMENTS VERSUS AVERSIONS

Helping professionals can raise the quality of the relationships with their clients and patients by becoming aware of their own unique attachments and aversions. Attachments are those experiences we are drawn to, and aversions are the ones we resist or avoid.

For example: Imagine something that’s particularly enjoyable to you — the smell of freshly brewed coffee, a hug from a loved one, or a favorite memory from your childhood.

Pay attention to the tiny upwelling of desire, the tinge of want that emerges as you recall this experience. It may be fleeting and subtle, but if you pay close attention, you’ll feel a slight pull of desire being triggered by your imagining these experiences.

This is called attachment.

Now try the reverse. Remember the smell of rotten garbage, an argument with a loved one, or a time when you were falsely assigned blame.

Notice the feelings that arise — that’s called aversion.

Again, it’s subtle, but as you learn to “watch” your mind at work, you’ll notice more and more how any brief thought (whether pleasant or unpleasant) will trigger fleeting emotions and impulses that you can classify as either attachments or aversions.

While we don’t need to eliminate any of our attachments or aversions, we do need to become aware of them and consider how they influence our actions in order to better serve our patients.

HELPING THE HEALING PROCESS

According to Buddhist teachings, we all have mental habits that prevent us from being fully present. These habits are patterns that are wired into our neurology, and they shape our experience in our relationships and in our lives.

For instance: You can interpret the comment, “You look good today!” as either sincere praise or an offensive come-on, depending on your disposition toward the person who said it.

If you know the giver of the remark is honest and sincere, you are likely to enjoy the comment. But if you think the person who said it has ulterior motives, you are likely to resent it.

The comment is not inherently bad or good, yet your response to it, based on the experiences you have had with the person who said it, has the potential to affect your relationship with that person significantly.

All helping professionals have similar experiences with their patients.

Helping professionals experience many common attachments and aversions. Consider if you experience any of these and how they affect you in your work.

• Wanting to be seen as competent by the client or wanting to avoid being seen as ineffective or unhelpful.

• Valuing a personal connection with the client or trying to avoid tension or conflict in the relationship.

• Looking for a sensation of aliveness and creativity or being impatient with routine and boredom.

• Liking the security of working according to a specific process or model or trying to avoid being seen as uncertain.

• Wanting to earn additional fees or appreciation or fearing being fired or taken for granted.

While none of the above attachments or aversions is inherently wrong, they do have the potential to alter the ways in which we interact with our clients and reduce the degree to which we really serve them.

CULTIVATING MORE SELF-AWARENESS

Here are some techniques for cultivating more self-awareness when dealing with your clients:

• Observe yourself in action. Choose a mental habit, an attachment, or an aversion that you’ve become aware of. Structure a practice for yourself around this habit, such as noting after each client session any thoughts that you had about getting additional fees, or feeling impatient with your client.

Observe these things without judgment, simply to enhance your ability to see them. Be curious about them. The more skilled you are at observing your own mental patterns, the more you’ll be able to make a conscious choice about whether these attachments or aversions are helpful.

• Meditate regularly. Staying mindful and present will have enormous pay-offs in your professional relationships. To help stay focused, before your professional session begins, meditate, walk outdoors, or even just focus on a soothing sound from a sound machine or desktop water fountain.

Do whatever works for you. It’s like exercise, but it exercises your attention rather than your biceps. The more you practice it, the more attentive and present you’ll be in your relationships.

• Make your helping process clear to your patient. Build a working partnership with your clients or patients by making your helping process (and the choices available within it) clear to the person you’re helping.

By involving patients in decisions, they will better understand the trade-offs and have more ownership in the process. This will give them a sense of empowerment. In the earlier chiropractor example, Ruth could explain to John the rationale for the six additional sessions, and how his health and comfort level would be affected by stopping treatment.

Armed with all the information, John then could make an informed decision of whether to continue treatment.

• Ask your clients for their feedback and concerns. By opening yourself to this feedback, you show your clients that they are your priority and that you care about their understanding and involvement in their treatment.

This builds the partnership, and you’ll find yourself learning from them — both about what they feel they truly need and how it may differ from your own assumptions about what they might need.

By becoming aware of your own habits, attachments, and aversions and practicing the above steps, you will gain a mindful attention — a quiet presence that clients and patients experience as caring and as service. Cultivating this attention is not only a growth opportunity for you, but it also helps you be more mentally available with your client. After all, the quality of your attention and your relationship of service are the most important things you can offer.

Doug Silsbee, author of The Mindful Coach: Seven Roles for Helping People Grow, is a business consultant and coach in Asheville, N.C. He leads workshops and coaches individuals on self-development and management in any professional venue. He can be reached through his Web site (www.septetcoaching.com) or by e-mail at silsbee@septetcoaching.com.